雅思小作文修改Thelinechartsgivesabrea-查字典问答网
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  雅思小作文修改Thelinechartsgivesabreakdownoftheproportionofmenandwomenaccordingtotheirweight.Theweightgroupsaredividedintothreecategories,whichwerehealthyweight,overweight,obeseanddangerouslyobese.

  雅思小作文修改

  Thelinechartsgivesabreakdownoftheproportionofmenandwomenaccordingtotheirweight.Theweightgroupsaredividedintothreecategories,whichwerehealthyweight,overweight,obeseanddangerouslyobese.

  Thepercentageofoverweightwomenremainedatthesamelevel(below50%)withoutremarkablechange.Comparedwithmalecounterparts,whosepercentagehasrisenslightlyfromapproximately42%to46%.Bothofthehealthyratewasadownwardtrend,accountedforaround45%in1993and36%in2002,andthepercentageofwomencomprisedfrom40%toabout31%.

  Itisnoticeablethattherateofdangerouslyobeseandobeseofmaleandfemalestoodatthesimilartrend.Bycontrast,thepercentageoffemaleobesewasmarginallylowerthanmen's.However,theproportionofmaledangerouslyobesewasalittlehigherthanfemalecounterparts.

  Tosumup,thepercentageofoverweightofmenwasmuchhigherthanwomen.http://wenwen.soso.com/z/q148267354.htm图在这!详细的说下我的缺点...再打个分...

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2020-07-25 10:31
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吕波

  有语法错误,不过条理还算清晰.

  1.我觉得“withoutremarkablechange.Comparedwithmalecounterparts,”这里compared前面应该改为逗号,这样句子更连贯一些,虽然之前的一句已经提到woman,但是compared所指明显为woman用逗号更好.

  2.“helinechartsgivesabreakdownoftheproportionofmenandwomen”注意你的动词“gives”不应用复数,虽然是小错误,但一定要注意.还有名词的复数“theirweight”应该为“weights”“Bothofthehealthyratewas”应改为“healthyrateswere”

  文章很中规中矩,没有非常幼稚的错误,但是稍有不细心,应该注意词汇的变化,以及副词的使用,这样会有很多惊艳的地方.比如描绘线形图的陡峭长度,还要注意词汇的变换,如rate,percentage,proportion,proportionment,per-centum,percent,尽量不要重复.

  你是在国外考吗,其实你写的已经不错了,只是层次要更清晰,比如要有明显的提示词,是从全局描写,还是indetails.

2020-07-25 10:36:34

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