帮我评论下我的雅思作文（用雅思的标准）,评分,评语,改正语法,越细越好同样的题目我写了2篇,不知哪种风格好,Inmanycountries,childrenparticipatesinsomepaidworkintheirsparetime.Somepeoplethinkthisi

　　帮我评论下我的雅思作文（用雅思的标准）,评分,评语,改正语法,越细越好

　　同样的题目我写了2篇,不知哪种风格好,

　　Inmanycountries,childrenparticipatesinsomepaidworkintheirsparetime.Somepeoplethinkthisiswrong,butothersbelievethatsuchworkwillextendthechildren'sknowledgeandimprovetheirsenseofresponsibility.

　　Whatisyouropinion?

　　一

　　Inthecontemporarysociety,agreatdealofattentionispaidforchildrentoengageinsomepaidworkintheirsparetime.Inmyopinion,childrenenjoypaidworkintheirsparetime,whichwillnotonlybenefitpersonalcompetencebutalsoenrichhorizonandcultivatesenseofobligationfortheirdevelopment.Admittedly,Iendorsethisopinion.

　　Recently,abulkofcompanieseagertoemployworkerswhohavehands-onexperience,thereforeitisanopportunityforchildrenenrichingtheirworkingexperiencethroughenjoyingthepaidworkintheirsparetime.Anditisalsoachancetogettoknowhotmuchstressexistedhowarduoustomakelivinginthesociety,afterthattheymaymorecherishtheiropportunitytostudy.Andfrompaidworkchildrenstillcouldcultivatetheirskillofcommunicationandteam-collaboratedspirits,whichcalibrecouldnotbeattainedintheregularcourseatschool.

　　Ontheotherhand,thereisapointshouldbeconcernedofchildrenparticipatingpaidwork.Forchildrentheirmaincommissionistostudynottowork.Sohowtohandlethetime,andhowtocontrolthequantityofpaidworkthatshouldbeconsidered.

　　Overall,myviewisthatchildrenshouldbeboostedtoentailmorepaidworksintheirsparetime.Butdonotletthepaidworksaffecttheirstudying.(221字）（看了慎小嶷的书,说,有的人写完作文感觉不错,但是从学术角度看只值5分）帮我看看,

　　另一篇,因为字数要求有限制所以另起一篇