第一行是题目吧没有字数要求?我觉得这篇写得太短了.如果是普通作文的话,已经挺好的了,虽然是中国的那种固有格式（也太死板了--!）,但是没有错的地方.还有你到底想改哪里,语法和结构都没有问题的.

　　以下只是个人的观点哦,文笔活跃了一点,改了的部分是大写的.

　　IPERSONALLYDON'TAGREEwithCOMPANIEShiringemployeesfortheirentirelives.ICANGIVEALOTOFREASONSFORTHEMNOTTODOSO.

　　Firstofall,EVENafterUNIVERSITYgraduation,studentsareSTILLfreshmeninthesociety.Franklyspeaking,theyaren’tawareofthesocietysitution(WHATKINDOFSITUATION?EXPAND)and"don’tknowwell"(>>MAYNOTHAVEGIVENMUCHTHOUGHT)abouttheircareer.（去掉Therefore没必要写）theymaymakewrongchoices"whichmayleadtoregretsinfuture"(WHICHTHEYMIGHTREGRETLATER).

　　(Besides可以去掉!最后一段你不是也没写finally么,注意前后一致哦),COMPANIESHIRINGemployeesfortheirentirelivescanlimitemployees’abilityanddevelopment(ofwhat?expand不要老说半句话).IftheemployeesCANhavethechanceOFWORKINGindifferentcompanies,moreorless,theywillBEABLETOtellthedifferencesbetweencompaniesand"learnsomethinggoodandavoidsomethingbad"(weak!比如什么?什么叫"好",什么叫"坏"?这两个形容词太弱了).Furthermore(去了它如何?),theyCANGETmorecreativeandCANmakemorecontributiontothecompany.

　　"Workinginthesamecompanyfortheentirelives"（有点重复的感觉……但好像又无法避免-）canmakeemployeesnotthatpositiveasbefore.（MAYCONTRIBUTENEGATIVELYTOEMPLOYEES'ATTITUDE）Afterall,theydon'thavetoworryABOUTiftheywill"befired"(GETFIRED..orLOSETHEIRJOB...)nomatterhowtheybehave.

　　最后一段总结无可挑剔~如果能扩展开写写就更好了.