ItakegreatpleasureinrecommendingMr.AoYang,myformerstudent,foradmissionintoyourdistinguishedpostgraduateprogram.这句话帮你改成：Itakepleasureinrecommendingmypreviousclassmate,MrAoYang,tojoininyourdistinguishedpostgraduateprogram.

　　Atfirst,Mr.Ao’sordinaryappearancedidnotcatchmuchofmyattention.这句话改成：Atfirst,MrAo'sordinaryapperancedidnotattractmyattention.吸引某人,不用catch,要用attract.

　　Later,Igraduallyfoundthathewasintelligent,beingabletoraisethequestionsthatotherstudentscouldnotreach.这句话改成：Later,Igraduallyfoundthathewasadelicatedandintelligentpersonwhocoulddothequestionthatothercouldnotdealwith.解决问题,不用raise,用dealwith或是copewith或是solve等.

　　Mr.Aoisaninitiativeandconscientiousstudent,seekingself-improvementconstantly.IfoundsheindicatedagreatinterestinJapaneselanguageandliterature.这里这改成：Heisandelicatedandobsortedstudentandheisalwaysseekingself-improvementchance.

　　InChinanowadays,computerandnetworktechnologiesarerelativelyfallingbehindincomparisonwiththewesterncountries.这句话语序改成：Nowdays,incomparisonwithwestercountries,computerandnetworkstechnologyinchinaarerelativelyfallingbehind.

　　Irecommendhimwithoutanyreservation.Ifyouwanttoknowmoreabouthim,pleasedonothesitatetocontactwithme.这句话不好,改成：IamsorrythatIrecommendhimwithoutanyreservationwithyou.Thanksforyourattentionandpleasecontactwithmeifyouwouldliketoknowmoreabouthim.

　　帮你调整下格式：

　　Dear***,

　　Howiseverythinggoinginthesedays?

　　Itakepleasureinrecommendingmypreviousclassmate,MrAoYang,tojoininyourdistinguishedpostgraduateprogram.

　　IgottoknowhimwhenhetookmyOperatingSystemcourse.Atfirst,MrAo'sordinaryapperancedidnotattractmyattention.Later,Igraduallyfoundthathewasadelicatedandintelligentpersonwhocoulddothequestionthatothercouldnotdealwith.Moreover,heoftenhadpersonaltalkswithmeaboutthecutting-edgetechnologiesinthenetworkfield.Hisenthusiasmonthestudyofcomputernetworksandbreadthoftherelevantknowledgegavemedeepimpressions.Heisandelicatedandobsortedstudentandheisalwaysseekingself-improvementchance.Hehadpersonaltalkswithmeseveraltimes,IfoundsheindicatedagreatinterestinJapaneselanguageandliterature.

　　Nowdays,incomparisonwithwestercountries,computerandnetworkstechnologyinchinaarerelativelyfallingbehind.SoIpersonallyverymuchsupportMr.Lintofurtherhisstudyandrefinehisskillsinyourinstitution.AndIamsurethatitwillbetremendouslyhelpfultohisfuturecareer.IamsorrythatIrecommendhimwithoutanyreservationwithyou.Thanksforyourattentionandpleasecontactwithmeifyouwouldliketoknowmoreabouthim.

　　BestRegards,

　　XXXX

　　总体上很行,只是有些句子表达不好,主要的几个帮你改过来了,语法也要多注意.格式我已经帮你调整好了.

　　希望对你有帮助!