Theessaywaswellwritten.Ifyoucompleteditwithinthetimegiven,Itwouldbewelldone.Youcouldachieveamark6+withit.However, therearestillroomstoimprove.Ihopeyoukeepworkinghard.Mark7isachievableforyou.Goodluck!

　　Asthetimepassesby,internationalityaffectsnotonlybusinessorotherareawefamiliar,butalsomusic,anoldartwhichhavemoreandmoreinfluencedbyhightechnology.

　　Asthetimepassesby,internationalityaffectsnotonlybusinessand

　　othersectorswearefamiliarwith,butalsothemusic,anoldartwhichhasbeeninfluencedmoreand

　　morebymordenhightechnology.

　　Manyargumentsaretakenaboutwhichonehavemoreimportance,ourowncountry'straditionalmusicortheglobal-heard-music?

　　Quitemanyargumentshavebeenraisedaboutwhichoneismoreimportant,ourowncountry'straditionalmusicorthemusicfromothercountriesthatisgloballypopularmusic?

　　Ithinkbothofthemarevaluable,andneithershouldberegardedhigher.

　　Inmyopinion,bothofthemarevaluable,andIdon'tthinkeithershouldberegardedassuperiortoanother.

　　Ontheonehand,mordenmusicisverycrucialtomordenpeopleinmordensociety.

　　Ononehand,mordenmusiciscrucialtopeopleofthemordensociety.

　　Anyonelivedinthisworldneedsneo-music,soasoursociety.

　　Mostpeopleliveinthisworldneedsuchneo-music,sodoesoursociety.

　　Gangnan-style,thefamousmusiccreatedbykoreanstarwasplayedeverywhereontheEarth.

　　Gangnan-style,thefamoussongandmusiccreatedbyakoreanstarhasbeenplayedeverywhereontheEarth.

　　Manyotherinternationalmusictransferwidely,too.Inthissituation,howcanonesaystheInternationalmusicisnotimportant?

　　Manyothermusicalworkdonebypeoplefromdifferentcountrieshavealsospreadwideinternationally.CanonesimplysaytheInternationalmusicisnotthatimportantuptothesituation?

　　Ontheotherhand,traditionalmusiccouldstillplayabigroleineverydaylife.

　　Ontheotherhand,thetraditionalmusiccanstillplayabigroleinourdailylife.

　　Firstofall,theoldartdonotmeetsciencewhentheyareborn,butitnotmeanstechnologycannothelpthem.

　　Firstofall,theoldartdidn'tenjoymuchofthemordentechnologyasitappearedearlier.Howeveritdoesn'tmeanitcanbe immunefromtheimpactofthemorderntechnology.

　　Secondary,oldmusicisenjoyableastheyeverwas,audienceoftraditionmusicincludesbotholdandyoungpeople.

　　Secondary,oldmusicisstillenjoyableastheyhaveever been,thepublicfavorersofthetraditionalmusichaveexpandedfromtheoldtotheyoung.

　　Forthelast,tranditionalmusicstandsforthepastofthecountry,meansthehistoryofus,holdsthememoryofourancients.

　　Finally,thetranditionalmusicstandsforthepastofacountry,presentsthehistorytousandbringsus thememoryofourancients.

　　Intheconclusion,tranditionalmusicisveryimportanttous,althoughwestepinamordenworld.

　　Inconclusion,tranditionalmusicisstillveryimportanttous,althoughwehavestepped

　　intoamordenworld.

　　Soallinall,Ibelievetranditionalandinternationalmusiccouldinvolveinoursociallifefitful,boththetwokindofthemusicarecru