雅思大作文批改!高分!求分数~~题目Inmanycountr-查字典问答网
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  雅思大作文批改!高分!求分数~~题目Inmanycountrieschildrenengagedinsomekindofpaidwork.Somepeopleregardthisascompletelywrong,whileothersconsideritasvaluableworkexperience,importantforlearning&takingresponsibi

  雅思大作文批改!高分!求分数~~

  题目Inmanycountrieschildrenengagedinsomekindofpaidwork.Somepeopleregardthisascompletelywrong,whileothersconsideritasvaluableworkexperience,importantforlearning&takingresponsibility.

  作文如下:

  Inthepresentage,itisgenerallyarguablethatwhethershouldchildrenbebusywithsomemoney-makingjobs.Somepeoplebelievethatthisactionistotallywrongwhilemanyothersarguethatpaidworkcanaffordworkexperiencewhichissignificantforstudyandtakingobligations.AsfarasIamconcerned,iaminfavoroftheformerview.

  Thereisnodenythattheknowledgetaughtfromschoolinglaythefoundationfortheemploymentoftheyoungstudents.Hence,childrenshouldconcentrateonstudyfirstlyandmainly.Moreover,beingengagedinsomekindofpart-timejobmayoccupytheirtimeforstudy.Forinstance,youngstermayfallbehindtheothersasaconsequenceofspendingmajortimeonpaidwork.Lastbutnottheleast,workinginflexiblesocietywouldemergevarietyofpossibleproblems.Forexample,somechildlabourersaskchildrentodosomeillegalworkswhichcouldleadtoseriousphysicalandemotionalhazards.

  Admittedly,valuableworkexperienceisbeneficialtoyoungster.Thereasonforthisisthatyoungstudentscanlearnhowtotakeresponsibilitiesandpromotetheiradaptability.Evenso,paidworkmaymakethechildrentoonlyconcentrateonmakingmoneyinsteadofstudy.Moreover,someyoungsterwouldliketostepintosocietyandleaveofftheirstudy.

  Overall,iwouldconcedethatpaidworkhavesomemeritsonenrichingworkexperienceandcontributingtotheabilitytosurvive.Despitethat,childrenthatengagedinmakingmoneymaycausemanypossibleseriousdangerousproblems.Insummary,iamconvincedthatgovernmentshouldmakelawstoregulatethemarketofchildlabourandmonitorthechildrenworkinreasonabletime.

1回答
2020-01-26 07:31
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丁勇

  我雅思7.5分,希望能给你一些帮助.我只改了错误和很不妥的地方,没有改进单词、词组的选择、句子、文章结构、逻辑顺序等等,那个工作不能随便做,而且要根据你个人习惯来写.

  1.itisarguableWHETHERCHILDRENSHOULDbebusy

  1>删掉that2>调整顺序

  2.paidworkcanPROVIDEworkexperiencewhichissignificantforCHILDRENTOstudySOCIALKNOWLEDGEandSTARTtakingobligations

  3.laythefoundationfortheemploymentoftheyoungstudentsINTHEFUTURE

  4.好几处youngsterS加复数

  5.ASACONSEQUENCE,youngstersmayfallbehindtheothersifspendingmajortimeonpaidwork.

  章结构没什么好说的,老套路,也很好用,算有说服力的模板.词组选择的宽度还是不够广.关键问题是第二段论证不够充分,还可以再多写,多二三十个词,论证也更充分,字数也更足.而且第一和第二条理由层次不清晰.有一些错误和语序问题.综上,我觉得可以在5分到6分,还有上升的空间.

2020-01-26 07:32:41

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