MyMother&I

　　"Tellmewhatyouwerelikewhenyouweremyage,"Iaskedmymother,CheeLeeonewinterafternoonwhenIwashomefromcollege.

　　Mymotherstoppedhersewingandlookedup,surprisedatmyquestion.Afterwhatseemedlikealongtimesheanswered,"Iwasneverlikeyou.Ineverdreamedofbeingalawyer,professor,oranything,otherthanawife,motherandgrandmother.Iwastheeldestoftwelvechildren,andeverywakingmomentwasfilledwithworkandresponsibilitiestokeepthefamilyclothedandfeed.Backthen,therewasonlyonecareerforgirls,anditwasbeingahard-workingwoman."

　　MymothergrewupinLaoswhere,likemostotherpeoplefromtheHmongtribe,shelivedwithherfamilyinaremotemountainvillage.ShefledherhomelandduringthewarinVietnam,andbecameoneofthethousandsofHmongpeoplenowlivingintheUnitedStates.

　　MostHmongrefugeesbroughtlittlewiththembuttheirtraditions--includingthecustomofmarryingyoungtopreservetheraceunderadversecondition.InHmongculture,honor,respect,andfamilysolidaritytakeprecedenceoverindividualdesires--andmen,thebearersofthefamilyname,takeprecedenceoverwomen.

　　"Menareimportant,"mymotherwouldtellmewhenIaskedwhywomenalwaysatelastduringanykindofacelebrations."Theyarestrongerandwiser--thereforetheyalwayseatbeforeus."

　　Thatwinterafternoon,IsatinsilenceasIlistenedtomymother."ThisstoryisshamefulformetotellyoubecauseIshouldknowbetterthantoholdagrudgeagainstanyone.ButIhatedmymotherwhenIwasgrowingup.Iworkedsohardforher.Everynight--beforewashingthedishes,sweepingthefloor,andpreparingricefortomorrow'smeal--Iwouldgointomyparents'bedroom,washtheirfeetwithwarmwater,andtucktheminforthenight.Notoncedidmymothereversaid,'thankyou,'or'Chee,you'reagoodgirl.'"

　　Istaredoutofthewindow,rememberinghowIgrewup,alwayswantingtohearawordofpraisefromher,andgettingonlyrulesandexpectationsIcouldneverliveupto.Irememberedtheyearsshemademegetupatsixeverymorningandcookbreakfastforthefamilybeforeleavingforschool.Irememberedtheslumberparties,dances,andafterschoolsportsImissedbecauseshedidn'tapproveofthem.Mostofall,Irememberedthetimesshe'dcomparedmetoothergirlsmyageandfoundmelacking.

　　Mymotherlookeddownathersewingandcontinued."Nothingwasevergoodenoughformymother.IwasgladtoleaveherwhenImarriedyourfather.Well,it'stoolatetotellhernow,andshewouldn'tunderstandanyway.AndIknowshedidloveme,evenifsheneversaidso.Ifshedidn't,shewouldn'thavecaredwhetherIdidmychorescorrectlyornot."

　　Iwastooshockedtospeak.Growingup,mymotherhadneverinitiatedaseriousconversationwithme.Itwasalwayslecturesaboutmyattitude,clothes,andhairstyle;abouthowI'dhavetocontrolmyangerandthirstforknowledgeinordertobeagoodwife.

　　Throughgenerationsoffamine,disease,andwar,Hmongwomenhadtaughttheirdaughterswhattheyneededtosurvive:howtocook,clean,haulwater,andmanufacturetextiles;howtobeproductive,obedient,respectful,andpatient.ButasateenagergrowingupinAmerica,Ifoundithardtotaketheselessonsasevidenceoflove.

　　"Itoldyouthisstoryforareason,"mymothercontinued."Yes,Ihavemanychildren,andIlovethemall.Butyouaremyfirstchild,thefirsti