刚写了一篇托福作文,觉得有很多问题,跪求批改,谢谢!Itha-查字典问答网
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  刚写了一篇托福作文,觉得有很多问题,跪求批改,谢谢!Ithasrecentlybeenannouncedthatalargeshoppingmallisabouttobebuiltinourneighborhood.However,whenaskedaboutwhetherwesupportthisplanornot,differentpeople

  刚写了一篇托福作文,觉得有很多问题,跪求批改,谢谢!

  Ithasrecentlybeenannouncedthatalargeshoppingmallisabouttobebuiltinourneighborhood.However,whenaskedaboutwhetherwesupportthisplanornot,differentpeoplemayofferdifferentopinions.Somemaysuggestthatthereisnoneedtowastesomuchmoneytobuildit,becausetherearealreadyenoughgrocerystoresforthemtobuyanythingtheywant;besides,theconstructionoftheshoppingmallwillcreatealotofnoises,andthereforedisturbsourdailylives.Onthecontrary,therearealsomanypeoplewhostronglysupportthisplan,becausetheybelievethatbuildingashoppingmallismorebeneficialtothepeopleinourneighborhoods;infact,Iamoneofthem,andIwouldliketopointputthefollowingtwopointstosupportmybelief.

  First,averyimportantbenefitinhavingashoppingcenterintheneighborhoodistheconvenienceitprovides.Apparently,wecansavelotsoftimebygoingshoppinginabigshoppingcenter,becauseitprovidesallkindsofgoodsfromdailynecessariestovaluablejewelry,virtuallyeverythingwemayneed.Withoutashoppingcenter,wemayhavetovisitseveralstoressothatwecouldgetallthethingsweneed,itisreallyinconvenienttous.Besides,duetoitsexcellentcostcontrol,thecommoditypricesinabigshoppingcenterisalwayslowerthanthoseofasmallgrocerystore,whichmeanswecouldalsosavesomemoneybygoingshoppinginashoppingcenter.

  Second,anotherreasonforhavingashoppingcenteristhatitwillincreasethepropertyvaluesoftheneighborhood.Sincemosthousebuyerswouldbemorewillingtobuyahousewherethereisabigshoppingmallnearby,thedemandforrealestateintheneighborhoodwouldbegreatlyincreased,henceitspricewouldcertainlybehigher.Asforthepropertyowners,anythingthataddsvaluetotheirpropertyisofcourseamuch-welcomedbenefit.

  Inconclusion,Idefinitelybelievethatbuildingabigshoppingcenterintheneighborhoodismorebeneficialtous,becauseitcanenableustogoshoppingmoreconvenientlyandincreasethevalueofourpropertyatthesametime.

3回答
2020-04-03 23:02
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庞洁

  第一段问题比较多:你在一段话里用的therebe句式有点太多了,而且过于集中.其实外国人不是很常用therebe的,而且你的那两句完全可以改的更简洁一点,有这两个therebe反而显得很累赘.最后一句Iamoneofthem,them是...

2020-04-03 23:03:03
何援军

  呵呵,你说的很对呀,文章大部分内容是按照模版写的,可是我真不知道怎么改呀,能说的具体一点应该怎么改吗?比如therebe句型应该怎么换?

2020-04-03 23:03:51
庞洁

  Somemaysuggestthatbuildingtheshoppingmallwillwastetoomuchmoney,andtherehasenoughgrocerystoresforpeople.Besides,theconstructionoftheshoppingmallwillcreatealotofnoiseswhichmaydisturbcitizens'dailylives.Althoughmanypeoplestronglysupportthisplan,Istillbelieve...原文because后面就可以提出来变成让步段了。你仔细看下我改的地方,和你的对比一下。虽然你连词很多,这很好,但是。。太多了==显得逻辑关系很混乱。一个长句子里一个连词够了,别弄成两个分句加两个连词,能合成一句的就合成一句。而且最好别用分号,你看外国的那些杂志上,很少见分号的,中国人都很少用,虽然用也没错,但是显得一句话太长了,总没个头。还有,不要老害怕出现关键词,比如本文的关键词就是shoppingmall,不用避免出现啊,关键词就是要反复强调的啊,你也不用刻意替换,每段都可以出现的,还是那句话,目的是把文章内容说清楚,说明白。

2020-04-03 23:05:30

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